As you’ve read my column for a bit now, you don’t have to be Sherlock “friggin” Holmes to realize I don’t like many things in an industry I call home. Why do I stay? It’s a question I asked myself a million times a day. It’s even more bothering seeing Justin Bieber at the cover of men’s health. It’s because I have the delusion that I may someday be part of the change that the fitness industry can be. At the moment it’s still pretty much a pile of sh*t, but I do see a light at the end of this dark tunnel. If you read my column, take my words and ask questions and don’t let the stupid lead you.
With that said, I can’t stand nightclubs and pick up joints that masquerade as a gym just. I get it – primal groans, sweaty bodies, it’s what shitty porn videos are made of. But when I walk into a gym, I really do want to workout. I pay my fees and go to the gym because I’m either traveling or don’t have what I need at the house.
When I walk into any “gym” and I smell cologne on a man that is working out, I want to – and most likely will – throw up on him while he’s bench pressing. It literally annoys the sh*t out of my nostrils and causes a chain reaction that ends with me emptying my stomach contents. I like cologne and wear several scents, (Versace, Armani) and my wife loves a hard-to-find Lacoste scent, but I wear that when I go out, not when I’m wearing a tank top and shorts and engaging in a workout that will involve ridding my body of salty fluids. It’s just plain wrong… So stop it.
Another thing, guys, wear underwear or a jock.
As a guy, I don’t want to see your junk, ever, on the workout floor. I don’t care if your banana is made of gold and should be hung at the Sex Awards hall of fame (pun absolutely intended).
That also goes for the idiotic bike shorts you wear. If there’s nothing to imagine, I imagine you’re an idiot. I’m really not sure why this is, but it has to stop.
I did some bodybuilding for a minute when I was young, so I get the whole narcissism thing. But no one needs to do a set, look at their tricep, do another set, look at their tricep, do a set of biceps and look at their tricep… Here’s a f**king clue Einstein, it doesn’t change that much in three sets. It just doesn’t.
Your pump is annoying to the rest of us. Knock it off.
I can go on for a little while longer but I am limited to a specific word count. I’ll just save it for another column.
Now to the ladies, and I use that word as loosely as you are when you come to the gym. Now, I am in love with the female anatomy. I love every part of it, from your toes all the way up to your bouncing blonde, brunette or red hair.
Here’s the problem, I don’t want to see every inch of you when I’m working out. Your ass in a thong, bent over in my face when I’m doing bicep curls is not attractive. And not as motivational as one may think. Most of the time I just want to tuck a dollar somewhere and hope you go away.
The cologne thing goes for you too, ladies – breathing in perfume when working out is, again, vomit-producing and makes me want to throw up in your just-bought $6,000 cleavage.
And speaking of cleavage, when you’re wearing a sports bra that gives pasties a go, don’t get pissed off when every guy in the gym is staring at them. If you want to show them off like a trophy you got at the 4H fair, expect the stares. But I suggest you stop being an idiot and put some clothes on. I don’t need nipples poking me in the eye when I’m working out… I like my eyes.
Women, when you’re at the gym please leave the makeup at home. Spackling your face with makeup and coming to the gym makes you look like a slut. And puts a huge sign on your forehead saying, “I want to get laid but I’m too ugly to come here without makeup.”
Plus, you get all the machines dirty and I have to clean up after you. Yea, I don’t want to see your “sparkle” foundation on my leg curl machine… Sorry, I’m an a**hole like that.
Those big hoops Jersey Shore earrings need to stay home too.
Nobody wants to see you get them caught on the treadmill, elliptical or whatever piece of cardio equipment you feel like jumping on and ripping your ear lobe off. It’s just not that pretty when you think about it. Speaking of cardio: wear a sports bra that actually fits and corrals your breasts. Your “Cooper’s Tendons” will thank you. No one wants to see your breasts flopping around like dolphins at SeaWorld… No one.
For all of you who believe that the gym is this millennium’s version of the nightclub with protein drinks, throw down some Ginko Biloba and save what brain cells you have. The stupid antics are just that. And if you don’t realize that, read this column over and over again until it sinks in… Or join match.com.