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You can’t be a FAT “Tan” Bunny!!!

By on May 7, 2008

“Do these tan lines make me look fat?”

I just finished working out and I remembered that the agent that works at my complex told me that they were getting a brand new tanning bed. Every “Tan” bunny was so excited and giddy with anticipation. I’m not a big fan of tanning beds, one because all the girls I see using them that are twenty look 40 and I like being 43 and looking 30 something. So obviously I’m as white as a diaper and on more than one occasion I could swear that milk was darker than me but self deprecating humor was not the topic of my post. The point I am so skillfully avoiding is that I have this crazy nuance about reading everything in my path. I’m the only guy I know that reads instructions for products where assembly is required and I’m that guy who reads every sign in the museum, or historical trail. You can’t get me out of The Met in under 6 hours…so don’t even try.

So when I checked out the Brand spanking new tanning bed (basically so I could say I got to see it) I noticed a brand new sign to go along with it. I tried to avert my eyes but to no avail. I started reading and you could hear that sucking sound of ROCCO’s brain soaking up every word…it’s not a pretty sound. I read every line item in the Rules for Tanning Bed Use. I started feeling authorized to be able to tan. I think I was getting bronze the more I read…nope… still white as a diaper.

There it was, rule number 10: Manufacturer recommends no one over 300 lbs use this unit. I read it in black and white: If you’re fat you can’t use this machine. Now I want to know why The National Association for the Acceptance of Fat People isn’t calling this company’s CEO, suing them, calling them discriminatory, and protesting outside the workout room in my complex or sending hate mail to me on behalf of all the other fat people in America.

Airlines get hammered because they want their passengers to feel comfortable without having to push overflowing fat off of their arm rest. Car companies get sued because people are too fat to drive their own cars and they have accidents. Fast food restaurants are to blame for making their food too damn tasty. So why the hell isn’t the tanning bed company being sued for placing weight restrictions on occupant use. I demand congress hold a special session to find the culprits in this mess now that they’ve put this whole “steroids in baseball” thing to rest.

Maybe I’m over thinking this, maybe I don’t realize that fat people don’t use tanning beds, maybe, just maybe we’ll find out just like congress did that no one really gives a shit, who tans and who doesn’t tan and how much that “Tan” Bunny weighs.

carla says: